A Little Outdated, But....

Rage Against the Machine has always been among my rock Gods since I was as young as, thirteen? Fourteen? Oh, forget it. But I fucking heart them. As for Tom Morello..... Pssssssstttttttttttttt (burning sensation). I'm on the different part of the world right now, but X Factor is not that much different from our bullfucking AF.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/scotland/article626860.ece

http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=132681

Death Hath Become One of Us

Celebrities:

First, it was Farrah Fawcett. Then, Michael Jackson who overshadowed everyone else. The next thing you know, Patrick Swayze's turn. Oh, right, there was Yasmin Ahmad before that (although I don't really care). Fast forward to the present, we say bye- bye to Brittany Murphy.

Common people:

The boy at the swimming pool (only my uni mates would get this). Her mom. His dad. My friend's grandma. Another friend of mine's mom (during the finals). My grandmother. And the list goes on.

I wonder how the statistics are like in the Grim Reaper's database.

Jeepers creepers.

Dia Menangis

Dia menangis
Kerana si pari- pari telah membuka topeng
Lalu menunjukkan muka iblis
Yang tersenyum sinis
Meragut segala bintang
Yang terlalu tinggi untuk dicapai
Walau dengan galah sebesar alam

Dia menangis
Kerana sang cerpelai disambar petir
Lalu tingallah dia keseorangan
Menonton dunia yang kelam
Yang memang sentiasa kelam
Ditemani debu

Dia menangis
Kerana terlalu banyak tertawa
Melihat kebodohan segala makhluk
Yang tidak akan pernah berakhir
Menangislah dia dalam tawa
Hingga termuntah darah
Terburai perut

Dia menangis
Kerana dia manusia.

By Sydrah Mustaffa

A Year End

When you're close to the sea, remember
mark your footsteps as the sky
Turns to amber
Even when it's darker than December
There's still another year
A new birth
White light, sacrosanct
How do you paint your canvas?

By Sydrah Mustaffa

The Smashing Pumpkins- Try, Try, Try

The most romantic thing I've ever seen. Beats any other soppy love stories :')

23

It's been a long time since I actually sat in front of the notebook screen and just type whatever. Not just for the sake of replying people, or assignments (Good God, I still have datelines to comply with!), but, you know, just ramble stuff. A lot of things have been happening, actually. 2009 is pretty hectic. And right now, in my final semester of my higher learning, I don't know where to start.

******************

Fine. Let's begin with Hari Raya. Not the best moments in my diary. Every year it's pretty much the same thing, the indecisive moment, the false pretense, the thought of not wanting to wake up at all on that particular day, and the list goes on, as I come from a pretty dysfunctional institution. I don't know whose side to take. Not that I'm against anyone or everyone else, but I just stop caring. I'm not bitter. Senseless is the better adjective. Call me selfish and ungrateful, but my dictionary does not define family in its biological sense. It's not blood. I don't believe in blood. It's all about accepting and embracing you with open arms, regardless of the differences. That's family. Let's not talk about this anymore. I feel like throwing up. Oh, by the way, to those sickeningly perky, optimistic ones (or perhaps, autistic?), do take note that Maaf Zahir Batin is just bullshit. Say it when you feel sincere enough. Thanks :)

Now, let us put more focus on the campus life.
....................................................................................
That's right. I'm all out of words. There's just too many things around, and I can't decide which button to click. It's kind of like answering your exams, where you have limited time, and yet you feel like writing a whole book.

I'm in my final semester, at the tip of the iceberg. I'll be lying if I say I don't feel anything. I guess that makes me human too, or to make it sound better, a Demigod :p The problem with being at this final stage is that you'll still feel shitty in one way or another. If you make it to graduation, well, great, congratulations, but you're thrown into the vast ocean of the unknown, and that takes a lot of gambling. Gambling, because, even if you have planned a million plans, plans are still meant to be broken nevertheless. So, that leaves a bad feeling in your stomache. Or if you fail, hmmm, you can figure that out on your own. It's obviously a pretty fucked up situation.

Somehow I wish I'm a freshman for the rest of my life. Sure, I love being a badass, but when I look into the mirror, I still see a wide- eyed child with that awkward smile. It's true when they say "Being grown up is not half as fun as growing up." I have less than a month left before I finally leave. And my house will be emptier than a cheap motel by the time I decide.

Please tell the Timekeeper to resign. Let's freeze the mirror.

Di Antara Pilar- pilar

Membeku tanpa suara
Aku enggan keluar dari bayangan pilar- pilar
Takut kaulihat luka- luka batin
Yang terpacar dari wajahku yang memar
Tak usah kau tahu
Bahawa aku mengintipmu

***Di Antara Pilar- pilar
Puisi Oleh Rendra

MEGHADUTA

Let no barrenness of heart deny
The ever-glancing Gambhíra her wish
For you are handsome on her surface. Watch
How white-as-lotuses Shaphara fish
Beguilingly there greet you, leap and fly.

Remove the deep blue robe of water where
Her bank of abdomen slopes down to view
A trail of canes like slender hands. You'll go
At last from her reluctantly, for who
Will leave a mistress with her charms laid bare?

Afterwards, when cooled the earth and wholly
Saturated with your rain, and rich
With smells to please the sniffing elephants,
Are wild figs ripening in the wind by which
To Devagiri you are carried slowly.

Arrived, you'll form a cumulous of flowers
For Skanda who is resident, the god of war.
All-powerful Shiva took him from the sun's
Fierce mouth to safeguard Indra's army. Pour
Down the Ganges in your heavenly showers.

With thunder, echoed in the mountains, make
To dance then Skanda's peacock, corner-eyed
In Shiva's crescent. Bhavání will put
A lustrous feather in her ear beside
That deep blue lotus for her dear son's sake.

Left the god who in the reeds took birth,
You're clear of Siddha pairs who fear the waters
Will harm the lutes they carry. Rantideva
Here made slaughter of Surabhi's daughters
That now the River Chambal blesses earth.

When you there drinking at the water's hem
Have stolen Krishna's colouring, you stand
To gods intently staring from that distance
As pearls there settling to a single strand
Enlarged with sapphire set as central gem.

Having crossed that river, train your powers
To lift in coquetry the tendrilled brows
Of Dasapura women making lashes
Unlock a beauty as wild bees unblouse
A darkness in the tossing jasmine flowers.

Against the land of Brahmátavarta loom,
Above the graves of Kshatriyas slain
In hundreds by Arjuna when on Kurus'
Field his sharpened arrows fell as rain,
The which you'll sprinkle on each lotus bloom.

Having drunk those waters you are kin
With Balarama, gentle one, refraining
From war with kinsmen as from wine that shone
In Revati's bright eyes. You, remaining
Black in colour, are now white within.

***MEGHADUTA BY KALIDASA***

***Translated by C. John Holcombe***

Ithaca

When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
the Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon- do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on your path
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your heart does not set them up before you.

Pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many, when,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensual perfumes of all kinds,
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from scholars.

Always keep Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.
Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would never have set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.


***Constantine Cavafy (1863-1933)
Translated by Rae Dalven.

Getting Personal...Not Good

I MISS YOU.
Period.
I've run out of other things to say.
........
**Light a cigarette**

SILENT PRAYER

Dear God,
The most forgiving, most compassionate
I still hold on to these thoughts
That you love me in every way
With my knees on the ground and my face
In my palms
I pray for a better life
Me and my family
My blood
I pray that I have
All the power and strength
To make a difference
To build an empire
To have all things beautiful
With only a scrap of ability that I have
Please tell me what to do
Because I doubt and I am weak
Yet I am hopeful
I am trying to make sense of myself
I know you listen
And I love you still.

IN BETWEEN GALLANTRY & POLITICS

Chivalry's dead. It always is. It's funny how the older we get, we gain so much acquaintances yet lose a lot of friends. It's even funnier how the mouth gets away with everything whilst the heart just deteriorates. Genuinity has lost it's value. It used to be the nice one who gets all the love and admiration. Now it's the bitch who reigns supremacy. I guess being grown up is not half as fun as growing up.

There is always a reason for everything. Always a catch. Excuse my cynicism, but it's not that hard to sense honesty after a few hellos. Let's face it, baby. We all want and need something from everyone. Hence, the phoniness in courtesy. And compliments, or rather, ass- kissing, is often the best method to make you likeable.

We heard it all before. She sleeps with him although she has to fake orgasm and despite being treated as nothing more than just a disposable undergarment. Yet, she carries on being the loyal dog that wags its tail at every sight of filthy leftovers. All due to the obviously shallow reason. He's a who's who, the connection to all the hotshots of the IT crowd, the life of the party. Losing him would mean losing all the joy and fun of being acknowledged (p/s: acknowledge does not equal appreciate) by the people he hangs out with. So, it's better to be a concrete pile of shit in a group that she so- called belongs to than an almost non- existent dust, right?

The same story goes for the Queen Bee. The Ace of Spades. One who pinches your cheek and calls you adorable but laughs behind your back. No matter how mean and pretentious she is, hey, who gives a damn about the ugly side as long as she's on top of the popularity poll? Be nice to her and soon enough you'll be able to indulge in the luxuries she holds with her delicate fingers.

We're all blessed with charm. Somewhere. So use it wisely because we don't know who we'll encounter. As much as I'm disappointed with the dissipating altruism in this sick, sad, little world, I'm not going to preach about honesty being the basis of humanity because this is not a blog about some fucking boy- scout moral values. After all, who am I in this complicated world?


***This post has no intention of targeting any specific being.. ;-)

THE DAYS THAT BROUGHT A SMILE TO MY FACE

ASEAN UNIVERSITY STUDENT CONFERENCE

MAY 20 TO 24, 2009

MERDEKA BUILDING & NARIPPAN HOTEL

BANDUNG, INDONESIA

I was the kind of girl who used to build an impenetrable wall. What happened last week for 5 days had been an eye- opening experience for me. Take a good look.

I don't have to say much, do I? ;-)

Ciao Lost Vamoosh!

Clothes..... Check.
Toiletries......Check.
A couple of books to keep me entertained......Check.
Laptop..........Check.
Camera.........Check.
Fags..............Hmmmm.....Will power...Will power....Will power.....
Handphone..........Duh.
Cash.............Obviously.
Creativity...........In the process.
A pair of wings..........Shit......Can I have more time, please?

Sigh......Kuckoo the Klock is ticking and I'm left with less than 24 hours to load the Magic Bag which I stole from Felix the Cat. These heebie jeebies are distracting. Let me shimmy for a bit.

I'll be leaving to somewhere far. Well....not that far, actually. It's just down below. But it's not as near as I can drive all the way there either. Hence, the need for wings. Much better than the big fish or the wild stallion. Plus, it's time to take this brittle shell off my back and toss it straight into the sea. It caused me a lot of back pain and covered too much of my ass. Oh, which reminds me. I have to add few more colours on my petals just so this wallflower can outshine the disco ball. Only for a few days. Then I'll be gone and you'll forget my name =).

For the first time in my 22 years I'll be flying alone. So tell me why I shouldn't feel scared. I'll be meeting those I've never met before and fill my days with surprises. I guess I have to trust my feet and make the five days most memorable ones.

At least now I have a story in these three months of agony. I do need to get out somehow. And be the girl on the shore.

Alright. Time to get ready. So, bye, Malaysia. I won't miss a damn thing about you at all.

A Useful Advice?

One particular scriptwriter gave me this piece of unforgettable advice (I can't really remember each and every word, so I'll just paraphrase with my own vocabs):

"If you want to produce great stories, don't write script straight away. Make a synopsis first. Then the script. Start with the worst storyline you can ever think of because if you try too hard being good, you'll end up being sucky anyway. So do 10 different stories and eventually you'll get better, and better, and better. Once you've reached your eleventh, submit it. If people are impressed, say it's your first."

Hmmm....yeah.... I'll be needing more than ten.. If only I can switch brains with Kurt Vonnegut.

Married- Not Me, Obviously.

I drove for an hour from my house to Putrajaya today. Yes, I'm bad with directions but let's skip that. A friend in school just turned from Ms to Mrs. Today's her big day. I'm still a little surprised because we're of the same age. The moment I saw her in the hall, I had a flashback of the time when she was the prefect and I was the rebel. The only things that mattered at that time were boring textbooks, fitting in with the right clique and everything else sheltered within that teeny sphere of boarding school. Those years have long time passed as we have bigger issues to deal with right after we headed for different directions. Yet I still see her as a pretty sweet sixteen. 23 is still a tad too young, don't you think? But then again, who am I to determine the right age for a lifelong domestic partnership? It's her choice, not mine. She grows up. I don't.

It's funny how a lot of things can change after high school, even within less than a decade. Weddings usually revolved around my sister's friends or my friends' elder siblings before this. But like I've said. Times have passed. I'm no Benjamin Button. At least she's bright and has landed herself a job with well desired paycheck. So I guess she's safe in my book.

Don't get me wrong, I think marriage is a beautiful idea, but only after you've settled yourself thoroughly. Like this friend of mine. It takes a lot of squeeze of your brain just so you could pull out the final answer. Doing it out of being crazily in love despite knowing each other for only a few months is just absurd. And doing it because the partner can give an easy life is just plain shallow. It's a hell lot of responsibility which I don't think I can handle. Even the thought of dating gives me the creeps.

If you ask me, I enjoy living the solitary life. Like a free spirit. Or a gypsy. Or even a hobo. The thing is, regardless of all the achievements and change of marital status and whatnot, it all falls back to what we really want. I'm not sure where I will be heading to after this but I know for a fact that there are millions of things I want to do on my own without the need of anyone's assistance. Including stupid things. No strings attached. I like that. I feel rather content with myself, thank you. (This case can only be applied on me. I don't know about you. You're not my problem.)

Anyway, back to the new Mrs., congratulations! It's your big day. I wish you well for your new, wonderful journey. Although we're on different levels of life now, you're still that sweet prefect who sometimes annoyed me in school. But there's no doubt you're beautiful inside out. I'm truly happy for you ;-).

STILL LIFE 2

Still Life 2 is coming out soon!! I'm excited. ;-D It's one of my favourite PC games, next to The Longest Journey. I'm an avid adventure gamer. Especially when it comes to games with twisted storylines. Hell, I'll trade one whole night of sleep for a mission to be accomplished anytime. Plus, I have the hots for edgy looking heroines with dark hair and smoky eyes clad in tight, skimpy outfits, holding their guns as they strut. Kind of like Milla Jovovich and Asia Argento. Ooh, my fantasies are going wild. Somebody shoot me.

Anyway.. For those of you who don't know (and who happens to read this bullshit), Still Life 2 is the sequel to Still Life and Post Mortem. If you played Post Mortem and Still Life before, you would recall sordid murderers who range from Satanic Cult followers to Jack the Ripper copycat. The graphic's a real masterpiece. If you're into art, you'll fall in love immediately with the paintings shown in Still Life. 'Gorgeous' would be an understatement. They're more than that. Oh, and Agent Victoria McPherson's grandpa, Gustav is the definition of GILF!


But mind you, there are nudity and violence (don't most games have that?). The killer's modus operandi won't be a pretty sight. Unless, of course, you're bloodthirsty like me. Otherwise, you can stick to Yahoo! Games.

Post Mortem

Still Life

Still Life 2..can't hardly wait =)

Monologue

I think about him still. It's getting pretty unhealthy. I know. But how else am I supposed to get through him? My feelings are confusing me now. There were times where I didn't have them because of the differences and because I can't tolerate anyone.

As for today,....well...they came back like a spirit from the dead, tracking down every single trace I have left and blew a silent whisper behind my ear. I don't know if it's pure infatuation. I don't want to know. I don't care about the answer. I have come to a point where I stop having faith in humanity. I am not expecting anything. Especially from the opposite sex. Fuck hope. That's always my anthem, which I proudly sing to the rest of the living beings just to annoy the fuck out of them.

But I felt something today. The wanting to have and be had. The need to find the yet-to-be discovered solution of Rubik's cube. The waiting. The missing link.

I don't want to use him as a form of escapism. That's not what this is all about. It never was.

He is, after all, the boy in the capsule, whom I have discovered somewhere beyond the borders of grass I used to sit on in the lazy afternoon.

Endless walk

....like a myth, you ascended
further up the ethereal stairs
and landed among the stars
glittered in your own reflection
for what you have become
and for many years to wait
and in smile, in sigh, in solace
you slept to dream
and dreamt to live
only to wake up again
and walk.

-A Man's Neverending Journey by Sydrah



I can only think of Rachel Brice when I wrote this. She never fails to mesmerize me. She's my muse, my Cybele. Everything that I want to be as a woman- sharp, beautiful, graceful, fierce and overpowering.